As the regular reader of this website, you know that we here at Slow Harbor spend a lot of time thinking about issues that may shape the country for generations to come. Oodles of time. Bushels, even. Which is why you, ever intuitive, will not be surprised we feel the time has come to address the issue gripping the country like no other: Celebrities Threatening to Move to Canada.

Being someone who spends an inordinate amount of time waiting in supermarket checkout lines, Hostess Ding Dongs in tow, we know you’re familiar with this movement. After all, it’s been addressed in any number of reputable publications. But it’s important you understand the subtle forces behind what’s happening here, and, frankly, we just don’t trust the glossy, fact-obsessed news journals, with their inspiring photographs and ten-dollar words.

At Slow Harbor (motto: Our photos are stock), there is no limit to the depths we will dive into an issue to unearth the facts. We do not allow research to get in the way of our opinions opinions to get in the way of our research, and we believe it is an obligation, a calling if you will, to pass what we learn on to you, even if by doing so we run the very real risk of becoming wealthy.

And one issue has had otherwise average American ding dongs trembling, vibrating even, with anticipation for quite some time now. When, exactly, are all these rich and famous people going to live up to their promises and move to Canada? Well, certainly not during winter. So while we wait, and hope, let’s examine the driving forces behind this pending mass exodus.

First it’s important to understand what we mean, in this context, by “celebrity”. As far as we can tell, a celebrity is someone who used to be famous, like Alyssa Milano, or Barbra Streisand, and who now stays in the public eye only because they Tweet, or otherwise bemoan the current political state of this great country. We’re not totally sure Barb has been relevant since Hello Dolly, which was before we were even born, although to be fair we thought she was decent in The Prince of Tides (’91).

Nick Nolte(To be equally fair, though, has anyone seen Nick Nolte lately? Christ.)

As for Alyssa, she hasn’t mattered since guys now in their 40’s had a poster of her in their bedroom during their pre-teen years, and don’t tell us Charmed was meaningful. (Also in fairness, Every guy born in the U.S. between 1973 and 1977 had that poster; there were no exceptions.) For those who didn’t know:

Alyssa Milano poster

1988 poster of Alyssa Milano. Approximately seven trillion sold.

While the obvious reason these pillars of society are threatening to up and leave is a shear, unadulterated hatred for Donald Trump, there are some important nuances to consider. First, and these are in no particular order, they hate Donald Trump. Second, Donald Trump is a horrible person. Third, Donald Trump should be in jail. Fourth, they really do hate Donald Trump.

So what does this tell us? What it tells us is, and you will kick yourself for not realizing this sooner, they don’t want a wall. You know The Wall, the thing that is designed to keep undesirables and illegals out? Even though historical evidence, like the Great Wall or the Separation Wall in Israel indicates they don’t work? And let’s consider these for a moment. How come, we at Slow Harbor want to know, nobody’s whipping China into a frenzy to tear down their wall? Is it because China is already whipping its own? And why aren’t we mad about that? Honestly, you’d think we’d done something so obviously terrible as demand fair trade from a Communist, repressive country, who’s military technology looks a hell of a lot like ours! We should be ashamed.

Of course, by this point, everyone hates the Jews.

Why celebrities oppose the wall

But why don’t these A-listers want a wall? What’s got them so opposed? If you’ve paid attention to the “Main Stream Media” at all, and still have even a molecule of your brain not devoted entirely to drool production, you don’t know the answer, which is, because walls work on both sides. Now, we understand you need a moment to wrap your enormous mind around this foreign concept. It’s their dirty little secret, the thing these fabulously famous people don’t want you to know: If we build a wall, how the hell are they going to get to Canada? Because don’t think we’ll stop at the Gulf of Mexico. No way. Once we break ground, cut our teeth, get a taste of this sinfully sweet project, we’ll keep going. We’ll button up the whole Lower 47 (of Course California isn’t going to be inside the wall. They’re planning to secede. Duh).

To close, we are happy to report there are positive signs the migration may already be happening. Here we’re referring specifically to news reports that a bunch (flock?) of Canadians got mad because they got an Amber alert recently, after their bedtime. If you can imagine. So instead of, we don’t know, praying for the child, or wondering if they know anything, or if their own kids are okay, they called 911 to complain! This astounding example of human decency, compassion, and of wanting to protect children can only come from people as great as a bunch of washed up celebrities who weren’t all that great to begin with, right? So, maybe they’re finally going Home.

One can hope.

All images not stock found on Google Images. Credit where due.