Some of you, our dear readers, have pointed out lately what you perceive by the Slow Harbor general staff to be a rather glaring lack of respect for women. Frankly, we wonder what took you so long. As you well know, the weaker gender consists almost entirely of females, which are by nature conniving, unreliable, and not, shall we say, capable of deep thought.

Of course these days gender identification is a little more complicated. Seems to us that being a “regular guy” is about as bad as it gets in today’s society. It’s become a disease, like cancer, or Semitism. Nobody wants to talk about it, at least to your face. They just sit in their cafes, talking about how sad it must be to be, well, you. Nowadays we have Lesbians, Gays, Justin Bieber, Transsexuals, Bisexuals, Justin Bieber and, most recently, a bunch of people called Q. We don’t know exactly what it means to be a Q, but we’re pretty sure they’ll have their own public restrooms sooner than later.

Is Justin Bieber a regular guy?

For thousands of years it wasn’t like this. In ancient times, the only source of confusion was Michael Jackson, and it was generally accepted that he(?) wasn’t technically human. Back then the men went around hunting for food, and while the men were out not actually finding any food, the women went out and got some, cooked it up, and ate it. There were two bathrooms: that tree over there, and wherever it was that women went in groups to do … whatever it was they did. These were good times.

Yep, women knew there place back then, which was where the men expected them to be. It sure as hell wasn’t in, for example, executive management. Or sports. Or politics. Speaking of, whose bright idea was it to give women the right to vote? Not regular guys, that’s for sure.

Anyway, it’s harder than ever to be a regular guy. Take the Me Too movement. What is this nonsense? And before you get all bra-burning liberal on us, consider this: it is an absolute fact, indisputable, that any woman, anywhere in the world, at any time, could accuse us of doing, or not doing, certain things that may or may not have been inappropriate. And we, thank you very much, are Screwed. God, even this post could offend some holier-than-thou idiot. It makes no difference whether we have done these things, or actually met the accuser. Don’t believe us? Let’s think about the recently appointed and, astoundingly, confirmed Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavansomething. Here is a regular guy if ever there was one. And popular, too. Yep, Kavandish was the kind of guy everyone wanted to be friends with in college. He always had beer, he got into the good parties, and he got all the girls. And what did he get, for being a guy? Well, a lifetime membership into an extremely exclusive club, a place in future history books, and the opportunity to shape the path of the country. Sure, he got embarrassed a little along the way, but so what? He’s golden.

Err, maybe old Kavanfever wasn’t the best example. Because for every success story that ends up with a guy at a seat on the highest court in the land, there are countless examples of guys who got destroyed. And for what? Well, let’s be real clear here. If a guy, or any other vaguely human person, actually did something, they should be punished. And anyone who hurts someone incapable of self-defense, as far as we’re concerned, should be, we don’t know, buried up to his hoo-hah in a fire ant hill and left to perish. But what has become clear to us, and to any of you capable of rational thought, is that these days, guys are decidedly guilty until proven innocent. Lots of times they’re guilty in public opinion even then.

We think this stinks. And we blame women. After careful research conducted by the Slow Harbor Googling Unit, it seems clear to us this has been coming to a head for a long, long time. Like when suddenly wives could get half, just by no longer being wives. The bikini, the miniskirt, Victoria’s Secret. Seriously? What the hell did you expect? Don’t you read Cosmopolitan Magazine?

Regular guy without pantsConsider for a moment Slow Harbor Staff Writer C’s wife. This “woman” goes around, calling herself the “Director of Finance” for a “corporation”. Really? Do you know how much this charade cuts into time that could be spent doing something useful, like laundry? Sometimes, Staff Writer C doesn’t even wear pants to the office. Why? Because his wife is climbing the corporate ladder. Probably she hangs around with Q people. We are sure, believe us, if we had any women working here C would have been accused of really, really indecent exposure and god knows what else long ago.

Remember when women as young as … well, okay, too young, were getting pregnant accidentally, and suddenly the captain of the football team was twenty-three, weighed three bills, and toiled away at Bert’s Tire and Plumbing Restoration Co, Inc just so he could keep the six young’uns in Pampers? Nowadays, women want to have a “career” first. Like Bert is hiring or something.

So ladies, for the good of mankind, drop the Q already. C needs some pants.