Remember in the early ‘80’s, when television was worth watching? Well, not if you hadn’t been born yet, but since our readership here at the Slow Harbor Zen Institute consists entirely of a 47-year-old guy living in his parents’ basement and some dude named Ned, we’re pretty sure you do, in fact, remember.
There was good stuff on TV back then, which is amazing considering there were eleven channels to choose from if your dad figured out how to work the new remote, which was highly unlikely. But for our money, the best show of the time, maybe the best TV show ever, was The Greatest American Hero, which, by our calculations, lasted for nearly three seasons.
Part of the allure, we think, is that the hero, Ralph (we swear), was a guy’s guy. First of all, he hated getting dressed up in his suit. And it’s a fact: give a guy, at least one that’s not single, the choice between getting dolled up and going around in a suit and, say, laying on the sofa in his underdrawers, and, well, there’s no choice there, really.
Second, after the aliens gave Ralph his super suit, he immediately lost the instruction manual. This is typical guy to the core. It’s a wonder, really, that he didn’t just throw it away to begin with. This behavior trait is one of the things women, trust us, love about guys. They know, without question, their particular guy can go to, say, Lowe’s, and come home with a cardboard box full of grill parts. And he is quite certain he’ll be grilling steaks in no time, and they will by-god be better than the dog food you get in restaurants these days, too. So he sets out, after throwing away the instructions*, by laying all the various pieces neatly on the floor in the exact center of the family room. And just weeks later, after more sweat, blood, tears and curses than you might have though possible, the parts will no longer be neatly placed in the center of the family room. They will be randomly piled together in the center of the family room. Some broken, some bent, some lodged in the wall.
Ladies, we know this demonstration of masculinity turns you on. You can barely stand still. Which is good, because if you want to eat you’re going to have to go pick up a sandwich. Get one for us, too, while you’re out.
Anyway, we’ve spent nearly four decades convinced Ralph was, indeed, the Greatest American Hero of all time. But now we’re not so sure. In fact, we think CNN’s Jim Acosta is emerging as the frontrunner.
For those of you who don’t know, Jim is the Chief White House Correspondent for CNN. He spends his days going around (in a suit!) trying to think up new ways to embarrass the White House, while simultaneously making a complete ass of himself. Believe us when we tell you, he makes it look easier than it is.
Jim’s got everything you’re looking for in a modern-day superhero, which means he a) looks a lot like a cartoon character, b) acts a lot like a cartoon character, and c) does things that don’t happen in real life. The only real question is his shelf life. I mean, does anyone Actually think we’ll hear from Jim once Trump is finished doing whatever it is he does in the White House? Well, aside from the obligatory book tour, the answer has to be “no”, right? Right? But even here Jim’s competitive. You’ll recall (doubtful) a few short paragraphs ago, when we mentioned that Ralph was on the air for just three fleeting seasons. We’ll give you a moment to draw the parallel….
Also, Jim’s got another superhero quality going for him. Have you ever noticed that your regular, run-of-the-mill superhero is pretty clueless about, well, everything? That’s Jim! Take this clip, which actually happened, and which he actually posted, where Jim firms up his argument against the Boarder Wall as follows:
Frankly, we here at Slow Harbor are jealous. In a million years, we couldn’t get on the left wing liberal communist forum that is Fox News. Here we are, toiling away at the thankless job of keeping you and Ned informed of pressing current events, but in our grandest of dreams, we could not possibly capture the pulse of an issue as well as Jim. It’s embarrassing, really.
The only downside we see, really, is the claim the Jim is 5’10” tall. This can’t be accurate. We think it must be kind of like basketball stars, who are listed in the program as 6’8”, and who outside of the gym are closer to, maybe, 6’3”. Either way, Jim clearly is crowding Ralph (remember Ralph?!). We suppose it had to happen sooner or later. At least we can rest easy at night, knowing Jim is out there, protecting us from… well, whatever it is, we’re sure he’s doing a hell of a job, and to that we say, Keep wearing the suit, Jim. Really.
The one thing Jim doesn’t have: a theme song (dammit). As for the rest of us? Believe it or not, we’ll just keep walkin’ on air.
* In defense of all guys everywhere, it’s not like the instructions were cobbled together by a person with even the faintest understanding of the language the guy speaks.