If we had to choose one word to sum up our advanced position on climate change, it would be “climate change stinks”. And make no mistake: unless you have immediate plans to be dead, climate change affects you.
Really even that’s not true. We here at the Slow Harbor Coalition for Room Temperature, ever alert to new developments on the issues you care about most, were concerned recently to see an article about the ice melt on Mount Everest. For those of you who don’t know, which is all of you reading this post, Mount Everest is a mountain. Named Everest. It also happens to be, so the “scientists” claim, the tallest mountain currently on the planet.
Turns out Mount Everest is in Nepal, which is a province in China, or maybe India. This makes sense because Everest is a very Nepalese-sounding name, derived from the ancient Nepalese words “ever”, loosely translated to “tall”, and “est”, meaning “est”. Some people claim it’s also in Tibet, but since Tibet is also a province in China, you can always just say Mount Everest is in China, or maybe India, and be safe. Interestingly enough Nepal is a pretty cold place, mainly because of the … never mind. Just take our word for it, Nepal is cold, which is why Mount Everest, on a typical day, is covered in snow and ice.
In case you were wondering how the hell we got from global warming to a cold mountain in Bhutan, fear not. As our more astute reader is quick to point out, Slow Harbor does not follow any path without a purpose. And the purpose is this: because of global warming, the ice on Mount Everest is not quite what it used to be, causing more than a few bodies, many of actual dead people, to turn up. Now if you’re anything like us, which you most certainly are not, you are asking yourself, “Why in the world do people go to cold, communist Nepal and try to make their way up the highest mountain in the world just to die?” And while the obvious answer is people were trying like hell to get out of China, sadly this is not the case. The case is, there exist in this world some people who actually want to climb up to the top of Mount Everest. For no good reason. Many of these people, however, die along the way. And we thought you were stupid. Sheesh.
Sure, blame Trump if you must, but this has got to put a crimp in the Nepalese tourist industry (motto: You might not die). So as a service for the good of humanity, and in a show of support for China and India, we urge you, our readers, to start planning your next visit to Nepal. Take the family.
But even if you do survive, global warming will still be an issue. In a totally separate news article recently, we learned that what we’ve feared all along has begun to come true. That’s right, more than sixty tons of, well, poop, is about to come sliding down Denali. And why? Because the snow is melting there too. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.
Denali, named after the pickup truck from GMC, a subsidiary of Kia, happens to be the tallest mountain in North America. Also called Mount McKinley, due to the fact it’s a mountain, Denali is located in Alaska, which, surprisingly, isn’t yet owned by Russia. Only slightly less surprising is the revelation that people seem to want to climb up it, too. And poop. Now, we’ve been on some pretty decent toilets in our lives, even some that flush, we assume, but we have to admit it has never occurred to us to say, “Hey! We think we’ll go climb up a mountain! And poop on it!” And even someone like you has to admit, sixty-something tons is a lot of poop. It’s almost certainly more than one sitting’s worth. For our part, we’re just embarrassed we haven’t thought of this. What are we missing? Is it spiritual? Clearly it’s communal. We urge you to investigate, on your way to Nepal.
So we see global warming can have bad consequences, like Al Gore and a rather obscene amount of poop running around unchecked. And we can see that while we thought global warming was a local issue, it appears to be nearly global in scope, covering both the Northern and Chinese hemispheres. In fact, we wouldn’t lose stride to learn that global warming is happening on a mountain top near you.
So what do we do? How will we, as a global population, defeat global warming? Clearly human sacrifices don’t work. But you’ve come to rely on Slow Harbor for solutions to life’s most challenging problems, and it just so happens we have one. First, we separate the world population into two groups: those who care deeply about global warming, and those who care not even a little. This is simple, because there is no human person “on the fence” as far as we can tell. Those who don’t care should move, of course, into the oceans. There’s plenty of food, lots of high-speed data cables strewn about, and with the dying coral reefs and rising sea levels, there should be plenty of room.
As for those who are passionate about global warming, they can go climb a mountain.