Think your life is in the toilet? Well, far be it from us to disagree. In fact, based on two years, more than $25 million taxpayer dollars, and a trillion gloating analysts, we here at the Slow Harbor Center for Democratic Follies reach no conclusion about whether your life is, or is not, in the toilet. But we know one thing for sure: it could be worse.
You could be CNN.
Remember in college, when you were the one student on campus who had neither friends nor a social life? You would wake up early, on weekends even, to study, because you knew the campus would be quiet for hours as the rest of the student body lay strewn about in a fog of … something. Plus, you looked a lot like a Russian nesting doll, so it’s not like you’d been out late. Eventually signs of life would take shape, and then, peering out a window, you’d see it: The Walk of Shame.
These were the girls, usually Freshmen, emerging from the senior dormitory, hair wildly askew, dress on backwards and inside out, wearing one high heel, so that they stumbled along in a pronounced zig-zag pattern. Even you, a social reject if ever there was, knew what was going on. Come Monday, these girls would be decked out in their finest Birkenstocks, hair coifed, face made up, hoping against hope they weren’t the subject of intense gossip. And of course they were, because the Senior guys were happily describing their conquest in painstaking detail to anyone who’d listen, including professors.
Good times, college. It’s memories like this that have us so excited about the fact one of our own daughters is starting college, in a dorm, next Fall. Why, we just kn … never mind. No, really, forget it. We said FORGET it.
Remember the promotional intro CNN used to do? “This is CNN”? Well, this is CNN. The morning after. The walk of shame. We’re referring, of course, to the totally unanticipated news here where we found out Robert Mueller, in what must be considered the pinnacle of democratic achievement, accomplished… Nothing. Zip. Nada. Well, except for spending just boatloads of taxpayer money. Trust us: Nobody saw this coming.
Now, those of you who wear your bow ties too tight are saying, “yeah, but as Fox News points out, CNN’s ratings have been in the tank for a while.” And that’s true. Fox News Loves to point that out. And CNN’s ratings haven’t been competitive with, say, the Hallmark Channel. But imagine if you were one of those two or three people who actually watch CNN. Your world, right now, it Totally messed up.
And it’s true what they say: When it rains it pours. We mean, of all the days for Michael Avenatti to be arrested for, let’s see, federal wire fraud, bank fraud, and, oh, trying to extort Nike for millions, it had to be today. It’s not like CNN’s day wasn’t bad enough already, but now the guy they basically gave an on-air blowjob to for two month’s straight is in a bit of a pickle. Yikes. Next you’re gonna tell us Don Lemon’s friend Jussie Smollett faked a hate crime.
For us, we’re going to miss CNN. None of this would have happened if Ted Turner was still alive. And it does leave us with some unanswered questions. Now that CNN is gone, what’s going to happen to our new American Super Hero, Jim Acosta? He’s still relevant, right? We think Jim will be just fine, and let us tell you why. Because the Democrats, who just swept into congress, the ones who have been waiting for the day they could gloat over Mueller’s findings like a kid waits for Christmas, just found out they’ve been bad this year. Santa, it turns out, didn’t bring them a damn thing. Does this deter them? Do you have to ask?
Of course not. Why, even now they are wailing about subpoena’s, obstruction, even impeachment. And this is important stuff. Mueller is yesterday’s news. The Dems in congress, it turns out, are just hell-bent on making sure they accomplish absolutely nothing that might, by any measure, be good for the country.* So fear not; we think Jim will have plenty to do in the post-Mueller era, and we know he’ll do a damn fine job.
But enough of the negative, woe is us talk. It should brighten your mood to know the “A-listers” in “Hollywood” are having a great day. I mean, take Alyssa Milano, the country’s voice of reason, the transsexual whose political insight is matched only by … well, we’re sure something matches her political insight. Alyssa has been “in the headlines” here recently, and for good reason. First, she’s not through with Trump yet, so right away you know he’s still in pretty deep trouble. Second, in what may be an unrelated story, Alyssa has taken the bold step of calling for a boycott of Georgia. She appears to have done this, with a straight face, while in Georgia, working on a show, although we use the term “working” loosely. As it happens, she’s not just a huge fan of the politics of the state, and its interest in, for example, protecting life. We’re sure people are bailing left and right. After all, Georgia used to be home to CNN. You know, before they took that walk.
* We can write things like this without fear of reprisals or hate mail, because we don’t have any readers.