There’s a Russian wet work team living above the Slow Harbor International Headquarters. Really. For those of you who don’t know where that is, thank god, we are willing to divulge that our location happens to be on the ground floor of a modern building. Don’t thank us: we here at Slow Harbor take your tenuous freedom very seriously.
In the event you are not our more intelligent reader, let’s go ahead and set the stage, lay the groundwork, so to say. Of course this is still more proof of the abhorrent “collusion” between the White House and the Kremlin, which is in Russia. The problem with democrats is that they always think small. They get all worked up about leaks, and emails, and meetings, and a few Facebook posts. It never occurred to them that Russia would put boots on the ground. And you wonder why things never seem to get done.
Don’t be a maroon. Of course we are aware, here at the Slow Harbor Institute for Near East Irony, that democrats only get worked up over these things when they’re not the ones doing them. We further note that, among the political giants in this country, this is hardly a trait endemic to Dems.
To those of us (not you) in the know, it’s hardly a surprise Russia sent an “elite” team of “operators” over to stir the pot. Probably there are many such teams. And far be it from us to toot our own horn, but what better place to get the pulse of a nation, to probe and understand its innermost workings, than right upstairs from Slow Harbor?
Our specific team (we consider them ours) is probably not the Varsity. And if we’re right, they may not even be the B Team, but more on that later. We base this on months of careful observation, and it doesn’t hurt that, as high value political targets ourselves, we are highly tuned to our surroundings. There are four operators and a control, or “runner”, whose post we discovered quite by accident when one of the staff took a bike ride around the neighborhood with his son. All appear to be in their twenties, and none seems to speak any language other than Russian. They wear identical matching outfits at all times, which consist of black tactical cargo pants, black t-shirts, and black boots. They carry black nylon backpacks. They drive around in a black Kia minivan. On occasion, we have witnessed them dragging a large, hard-sided, steamer trunk up the stairs, which, oddly enough, seemed to emit muffled grunts with each bump. Crashing noises, followed by what can only be described as the pain one feels trying to read Dostoevsky, can be heard during the loneliest hours of night.
Control rarely ventures out, but when he does, he’s always armed with a donut. Krispy Kreme. Glazed.
Now, before you start to panic, The Washington Machine, in a farsighted move to prove innocence later, has placed a government watcher on them. She sits in her car in the parking lot for days at a time. In fact, it doesn’t matter whether it’s 3:00 PM or 3:00 AM, she’s there. Interestingly though, she’s never around when the team is deployed.
And this is a nice segue into the meat of our concern: we think our Russian team may be in trouble. No doubt you recall the news story recently that some dude beat the crap out of some Republican dude on the campus of Cal Berkley, and on various recording devices. Wait, you didn’t catch that story? Trust us, it was covered in at least one place. And of course you remember the crack Berkley Police Department couldn’t find this guy, despite his face being on at least one media outlet. We, here at the Slow Harbor Center for Foreign Relations, believe this was our the work of our team.
First, our team has been deployed for several weeks now. They’re like that, our team. They go wherever action is necessary, doing the things we, as upstanding citizens of a free country whose illegals damn near outnumber us at this point, cannot. And if you think some punk in California beating up a guy because he’s a Republican isn’t going to rally the conservative base, you don’t know much.
Second, this guy looks exactly like our teams’ members. All of them.
Third, when they finally catch the “culprit”, he’s some unheard of “software developer”. And no one’s made the connection to all the Facebook stuff that swung the election? How many dots, exactly, do we need to connect?
Finally, we mentioned our team is probably not exactly batting leadoff, and, well, somebody got caught. This “perp” will face justice, and for that reason, we can rest easy knowing this incident didn’t happen in Texas. California? There’s zero chance this guy does time. Maybe our Russian wet work team isn’t so inept after all.
We’re just looking forward to them coming back “home”.