Why do we, the three remaining upstanding citizens of the United States, vote? And when we say “we”, of course we don’t mean you, because, let’s face it, when’s the last time somebody mistook you for an upstanding anything? Exactly. These are the kinds of weighty questions we here at the Slow Harbor People’s Co-op ask. And on rare occasions, someone actually answers. We doubt this will be such an occasion.

But we ask anyway, because it’s important to understand our place in the great experiment that used to be America, but is now not much more than a punchline. And while we wait for your flimsy, socialist answers to trickle in, we’ll go ahead and tell you why we vote, just as soon as we think up a reason.

In the meantime, if you don’t happen to be our fully-literate reader, you may have missed an important point in the preceding (before this one) paragraph (noun: a distinct section of a piece of writing, usually dealing with a single theme and indicated by a new line, indentation, or numbering).

And that is, the United States of America, the world’s only true superpower, has become a global laughingstock. What the hell? Well, allow us to defend US.

Because we’re humble, we’ll start by admitting that things in the US might seem a little cartoonish lately. But we think that’s okay. In fact, we really have no idea, here at Slow Harbor, what we’d write about if it wasn’t this way. But that’s hardly the point. The point is that we don’t really give a damn what you say out loud about us. And the reason we don’t give a damn is that we know as well as you do what would happen to this world if the US decided isolation was our new policy. What would happen is, for you idiots who don’t want to admit it, is the rest of the world would be fubar.

Seriously, who funds, well, pretty much everything? France? Uh-huh. The EU as a whole? Hell, Italy, which used to be a country itself, can’t even clean up its trash.  Speaking of the EU, who, exactly, is going to defend it? And on that note, have you seen NATO contribution levels? It goes without saying you can write off the Ukraine and Taiwan. And everyone hates the Jews, but have you ever asked yourself what, exactly, they’ve ever done to you?

Yeah, good luck with that. Keep laughing. Assholes.

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Whew! Sorry about that. We didn’t realize how badly we needed to get that off our collective chest. But we’ve had a sip of water and rested a bit, so we’re ready to get back to the meat of this post, which, as far as you know, is why we vote.

Well, we don’t do it for the perquisites, that’s for sure. And don’t give us that crap about voting so that you’ll be represented. Hah! We don’t even know you (praise be), and we can guarantee your personal interests have never, not once, not one single time, entered the chicklet-sized mind of your elected official.

What’s got us wondering about all this, is that lately congress seems to be putting a Lot of effort into looking like out-of-touch idiots. More than usual even. In fact, we’ve made up a list of things they’ve been “working” on, important issues that will change your life and livelihood:

  • Mueller
  • Whether someone from other party has said something bad
  • Whether someone from the other party has been a meanie
  • How they look on TV
  • Some dude called, we swear, Peter Strzok*

So right away we see these are monumental issues, woven through the very fabric of society. And thus, the reason we vote is simple: we’re not, personally, stupid enough to care about these things, so we send someone to Washington who is.

This does, however, lead us into a glaring problem. So for all you liberal, tree-hugging, twelve-hour-work-week working Europeans, here’s what is actually wrong with America: We, the, err, people, are paying these politicians to be idiots.

Can someone please explain to us how the hell this happened? From where we sit (not next to you), this is nonsense. In fact, in it one might find the very cure we’ve been looking for. Our elected officials should be paying us. And we’re not talking about just the spare change under the handcrafted cushions of the Pottery Barn leather sofas in their offices. We’re talking about serious cheddar here, the kind that makes a difference. Frankly, why nobody has put this forward before is beyond us.

So say it with us. Your vote will be won only by the politician who offers you, personally, the most money. Now, we know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, Democrats already pay people to vote. And that’s true, but, first of all we’re talking chump change, and second, to get even that kind of cash you can’t be a registered voter. No, we’re talking five, maybe even six figures here. And let’s face it, someone’s gonna pay, because Washington is like a narcotic, or Fortnite. Once it’s in your system, you have to have more, and nothing else matters.

Candidates can make checks payable to Slow Harbor, a 501 (c) nonprofit organization.

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*   We’re pretty sure that a future post is going to explore, in great detail, the greatest names of all time. Stay tuned.