Remember the Civil War? No? Okay … remember learning about the Civil War in school?

(waiting)

You know, you really are an embarrassment.

Fortunately for you, our reader, we here at the Slow Harbor Institute for American History Remembering do in fact recall the Civil War. Which is why we spend an inordinate amount of time worrying when we see stuff on social media, written by really smart people, not altogether unlike you, who issue dire warnings that we, as a non-nationalist nation, are headed towards Round 2. And fast.

Since you don’t know, we’ll start with a refresher on the War Between the States (the Civil War). We can do this because one time, in eighth grade, our teacher informed us the title of our term paper was going to be: The Economic, Social and Regional Influences of the Civil War … And it’s Aftermath. We don’t know why he chose this particular topic for us, but decades later it came to light that he enjoyed teaching middle school boys a Lot of things, so the whole experience is kind of hazy.

The Civil War was about slavery. More specifically, it was about a bunch of rich white guys from the South not totally satisfied with the way a bunch of rich white guys from the North were acting, and telling them, if you can imagine, how to behave. Basically, Southern White Guy said, “You Northern White Guys can’t tell us what to do!” To which the slaves quietly asked, “Um, does anybody see the irony here? Anyone?” Well, the fight was on, and it was anything but civil, if you get our meaning.

As for the aftermath, as you well know if you live anywhere near the planet Earth in 2019, it pretty much sucks for everyone outside of maybe five families sipping brandy somewhere in New England.

So we worry, here at the Institute. Although to be fair we’d worry more if we had a brother, and particularly an older, bigger brother. But there is good news! Through our painstaking, exhaustive, dedicated research, we can tell you Exactly how we can avoid Round 2.

Avoiding another Civil War

The answer, which will seem so obvious, is, Vote Democrat! And let us tell you why: when Republicans are in any position of strength and power, they are forever offending democrats, really getting on their last good nerve. They get all worked up, those Democrats. CNN, MSNBC, even cable news shows that actually generate ratings have a revolving door of “dems”, mad, ready to talk smack. Ready to throw down. Brexit? Blame US Republicans. All of Europe (no, of course we don’t count France) preparing to vote conservative? US Republicans. Illegal kidnapped and killed a US citizen? Republicans’ to blame. Want to keep said illegals out? Those wacky, heartless Republicans. Hell, even some Elephants are listed as endangered.

And don’t even mention Global Warming to a Democrat.

For example, can you imagine how big the story about Ralph Northam would be if he was a Republican? Neither can we. But this story is GONE. Done. Finished. Sure, top Democrats called on Ralph to resign. His response? “Naw, I’m good.” And he is! So ladies and gentlemen, your Governor of Virginia, Ralph Northam:

And as always, Governor Northam has guided us full circle, back to our point, which if we remember correctly, is this: If you vote for Democrats, there will be no controversy, they won’t have anything to get mad and fight about, and thus we will not have another Civil War.

You’re welcome, though we do find ourselves here at the Institute wondering, what is an appropriate commendation for saving the country? Would it have involved Ed McMahon? Was he a Democrat?

Politics aside, the non-story regarding the Governor of Virginia reminds us of yet another event from our younger years. When we were a junior in high school, we got a new assistant basketball coach. He was a young guy, former small college player, kind of a turd. If memory serves, he was from, coincidentally, Virginia. At the Halloween dance that Fall, he came as LL Cool J who, for those of you that don’t know, is probably not Caucasian. And the reaction was painfully clear: no one, not one person, gave a damn, including the help. They all said nice things like, “You look Exactly like LL Cool J! If he was white!” Needless to say, if that old coach is mulling a run for office, let’s hope he’s a Democrat.

But really, society has changed, man, in the last few decades. Never afraid to be unpopular, we’ll say it: in 1983, it wasn’t a big deal. It was a freaking costume party.

So, join us in saving this great nation. Vote Democrat: It’s not a controversy if it wasn’t a Republican. Otherwise, buy your guns while you still can.