Well, it’s that time of year. For our money ($2.74), we here at the Slow Harbor Sabermetrics Disposal Unit think April is the best sports month there is. And why not? April contains, among other things, the aptly named March Madness college basketball tournament, Major League Baseball’s Opening Day, the, quiet please, Masters Golf Tournament, and the annual Southern Pollen Accumulation Contest.
We know you rely on our panel of experts, data analysts, and insider contacts to place your bets. And as always in our decidedly one-sided relationship with readers, we won’t let you down. So as you root around under your futon for a pair of shorts that kinda sorta fit if you leave your shirt untucked and hold your breath indefinitely, you can breathe easy knowing we’re on the same team, with predictions you could bank on, if you banked. Now without further ado:
Prediction 1: “Expert” sports analysts, also known in the trade as washed up old ex-players, will use the term “When you look at” more than seventeen thousand times. Daily.
Don’t you just love this? We know we don’t, and we’d sure like to know what nimrod came up with the idea. The way it works is, for those of you with bars on your windows, “Expert One” will toss a leading question, like, “Desmond Hincklebacher is averaging twenty-four points and nine assists per game coming into today. (Expert Two), what do you think of Desmond’s game?”
Now, if you have any sense at all, you know the answer is simply, “I like the fact he scores twenty-four points and gets nine assists per game, you jackass.” Needless to say, of course, “Expert Two” does not have any sense at all. In fact, the only reason Expert Two is “working” is because he spent the few trillion cents he made during his playing career. So what “Expert Two” says, and here you have our iron-clad, we would bet your children* we are so confident, guarantee, is, “(Expert One), when you look at Desmond’s game, what I look at is ….”** This snazzy intro is followed by “Expert Two”, with insight so profound you will be left in a puddle of wonderous drool, pointing out to you, the useless, uneducated scum you are, that he likes, more than anything else, the facts that young Hincklebacher scores twenty-four points and gets nine assists per game. This deep, probing analysis can take as few as seven minutes. It’s must-see educational television.
Prediction 2: The azaleas will be in full, perfect bloom during the Masters.
For those of you stupid enough to believe grass grows and flowers bloom in the Spring because of warming temperatures, plenty of rain, or whatever, we politely ask that you run to your nearest Walmart and purchase several bottles of Slow Harbor Anti-Idiot Crème, also clinically proven to treat hemorrhoids and for use as an irresistible cologne. Once treated, please understand that these things are controlled exclusively by the Augusta National Golf Club. This was ruthlessly enforced for years by a man called Hootie, and is looked after by a group of old rich white Republicans to this day.
Prediction 2-A: The live Masters coverage will include lots, by which we mean Lots, of shots of the azaleas and other sundry pieces of nature, which the commentators will gush over as though Hootie himself was whispering in their collective ear.
And, they will do this while referring to the fans as “patrons”, while referring not to the front and back, but the First Nine and Second Nine holes, and carefully avoiding calling the flagsticks “pins”, lest they be blacklisted and forced to spend time with Gary McCord.
Prediction 3: The baseball season will still be going well into 2026.
When we were kids (approximately 1974 – 2012), we loved opening day baseball, and every single game after. And as we’ve written before, there really is nothing quite like baseball. Well, except the Energizer Bunny. Because now that we are so-called adults, some of whom at least pretend to have “responsibilities”, it occurs to us that the baseball season lasts for nearly a full calendar year, or 387 days. This is too much. It’s quite a difference from our youth, when we were once so excited on opening day we went out and bought, without any regard for our personal credit score, a TV. Just so we could watch the Braves play their opener. Now? Well, we’re lucky to see a couple of games per year, despite the fact the baseball year never ends. 162 games a season? Who gives a shit? We can’t think of anything, now that we’re mature adults, we care that much about.
So there you have it, our fearless sports predictions for April, the greatest sports month of all. So spray some Febreze on those shorts, thrown them back under the futon, and settle in to watch all the action. It’s not like you can get past those bars on the door anyway.
* Wait, you have children? What the ….
** An equally brilliant variation, almost as often used, is, “When you talk about Desmond, what I talk about is ….”